Life has been very hard. I had divorced myself from my body. I treated my body badly, I treated those I love badly, I had an overwhelming sense of disassociation from everything. Like wrapping myself in cotton batting. I was sinking deeper into the vortex of loss of joy and life. So when my body rebelled against me, I took charge finally and found a way to try to help myself. This resulted in starting to drag myself out of years of complacency. It was a positive step forward.
And then I found my birth family. And all that longing and all those questions have somewhat resolved. While complicated, I viewed this as a personal, positive step forward. And then I lost my fucking job, and am now heading for something I consider another positive step forward.
My program in Holistic Health has many levels of awareness. I’m starting to view the world differently. I am deeply philosophical, and working my mind makes me happy. I am starting to create a sense of my body. All those years of divorcing myself from it is resolving. All those years of hating it, is now resolving as well. I have discovered some form of meditation, and not a simple “relaxation” technique, but a thoughtful way of using this so that it can carry into my life and help me develop clarity, and a deeper sense of peace.
All in all, I am moving forward….finally. I am happy for maybe the first time in a long, long time.
So. Last night our professor, who has a very good friend who is highly involved in the ecology, who purportedly is a mathematician, an ecologist and a philosopher, has told our professor that the earth will give up in about 20 years with its last gasp. And there is not one fucking thing we can do about it. I think we are all aware of our ecology, and this is a large change in our current paradigm, but shit. So it made all this progress I feel just fly out of the fucking window. Now I know that I shouldn’t put all my money in the bank of one person. But this professor is quite intelligent, and very connected. He is currently an authority figure in my life, giving me sound instruction, very astute, very inspiring. And then he tells me that? How the fuck can you resolve that shit? I came home and looked at my son and felt dismay. A deep and profound feeling of sadness. And it’s carried over to this morning. I’m simply having a hard time separating myself from this thought.
Fuck it. I told my husband I want French fries. We are currently headed out to get a heaping helping. Hell, if this is actually unfolding, I may eat French fries until the end.
Fuck this shit.
- molly bloom